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12/4/2008 Beijing, here I comeLast working day before China, frentically preparing myself, mentally.
翻开故纸堆，重温少时的日记和多年来和朋友们的往来信件，all of a sudden, my heart gripped by a nostalgia almost too strong to bear...
All these years...
张泓，小宾，小桥，陈震，孟新阳，杨旸，安特。。。兄弟我真是惭愧，翻翻日记才让我想起，你们每个人对我都是多么的重要！现在大家都大了，大多数的哥们儿已经娶妻生子，我们也都已经太习惯于沉浸自己的生活，习惯于一年半载没有任何联系。
但是，此刻我，真想你们哪！
我从来不喜欢对自己的童年或少年粉饰太平，我知道我们都没有过什么真正“无忧无虑”的日子，即使那时只是少不更事自寻烦恼或为赋新词强说愁，其实归根结底，大家的日子都不容易。所以，回忆过去的日子，我想大家珍惜的都只是那共度的懵懂岁月吧！
今日回看当初，心里忽然涌起“宽容”二字，不是宽容任何别人，而是宽容我自己。十五六岁时的我，心智的复杂程度就令今天的我都仍需惊诧，而这种复杂在当时，更是给我增添了无穷的思想负担 － 永远沉浸在对自己的不满中。以至于内心深处，总是认为自己彻底地“虚度”了少年时代，永远在试图重新抓住一些飘忽的感觉，想挽回什么，想重温什么留住什么。 Now, maybe it's time for me to say to myself, at long last: "Take! It! Easy! Ain't that bad after all?!" 嗨，其实也没什么难的，少他妈拿自己当回事儿点儿，就什么都结了。 废话满腔。 4/1/2008 Strong urge to fly...
1/16/2008 Survivor前后大约花了我一个星期的工夫吧，把意外搜到的Survivor听完了。
Chuck Palahniuk，自Fight Club起，他在我心里就得算个人物了。两年前找到他大批Audiobook时，着实兴奋了一番，但当时唯独少了这本Survivor，引以为憾，现在也算是夙愿得偿吧。
很早以前就知道这本书的Premise，it begins on a hi-jacked plane about to crash, the antagonist (who is also the hi-hacker) telling his life story to the "black box", to find out how and when everything went "wrong"... quite promising, ain't it?!
刚开始听时，真有点放不下的感觉。因为我总是只在上下班路上听，有时候恨不得车来得再晚点，走得再慢点才好。实在是喜欢Chuck Palahniuk那冷漠的尖酸，喜欢他那“世人皆浊非我独清”的attitude。
但是，越往后听，整个故事对我的appeal就越小，自己都很惊讶，有点不太明白问题出在哪儿来。仔细想想，也许这种太尖刻的话，还是不能一次听得太多 － 再尖酸巧妙深沉睿智的话，重复得太多后也会失去punch。
总在心里忍不住把Chuck Palahniuk和Simon Logan做比较，觉得这两个风格截然不同的家伙有不少神似之处。Simon Logan的东西，用冷酷残忍血腥变态来形容丝毫不为过，可我仍是觉得心里离他“近”不少，guess it's because beneath the hardest and coldest shell, you can always find some soft spot, something tender to make it all "worth it".
Couldn't say the same of Chuck Palahniuk, unfortunately.
1/6/2008 Love and the ScytheI sip the blood-red wine
My thoughts weigh heavy with the burden of time From knowledge drunk from the fountain of life From Chaos born out of love and the scythe 从blood-red wine到love and the scythe，Cradle of Filth的这几句经典歌词什么时候想起来都是那么舒服。其实深究起来，风格仍然是他们一贯的邪异，但难得的是这次比较隐晦含糊一点，起码字里行间没有直接滴血。 9/11/2007 幸福的荒芜两个多月了，眼看着我的Space日益荒芜，偶然也不无怅憾。但几度试图提笔又仍最终作罢。
说起来也颇有几分讽刺味道 － 无法动笔，只因我真正地幸福了。幸福得一塌糊涂找不着北，幸福得不知从何说起，哈哈哈哈！
我冷静的自省与尖酸的自嘲，我张扬的欲望和禅静的喜悦，都不吝示人。但是，我心底真正的幸福和终极的满足，却是不能容笔墨触碰的。
Refusing to share, refusing to be judged.
7/4/2007 春梦，神仙洞
一贯认为，真正幸福的时候不需要反思，也根本不会有余暇来容我反思。所有的时间都肆意投入那泛滥的激情，那迷梦般的醉甜……
浓绿万枝红一点，动人春色不须多  6/24/2007 Natalie Dream...挑上几首Pink Floyd的精品做成playlist，sit back and drink deep into music...
... Sleepy time when I lie With my love by my side And she's breathing low And the candle dies. ... 梦境般清丽又迷幻的吉它，柔缓如呓语的歌声，甘露般点滴渗入我心。
忽然想起冰箱里还藏了瓶久未indulge过的Samos，赶忙满上一杯细品。Samos清新又浓郁的冰甜，最能烘托出夏日傍晚独坐窗前的闲惬情怀。
6/18/2007 DreamerLying motionless and restless in bed, with tendrils of cool summer night breeze caressing my half naked body, staring blindly into the dark ceiling.
Again, the all too familiar urge to break or tear something to pieces. Urge to scream, urge to sing, urge to cry and urge to FLY.
Look at you, Dreamer, what happened to your dreams?
Radiant like a flaming jewel and pure as the first circling snowflake in winter, they used to be your most treasured possession, your ultimate pride and joy.
But where are they now?
Lost? Abandoned? Traded away?
Or have you just...
...wake up...
忽然明白，追梦的人，是无法“洒脱”与“超然”的。
In this very moment, I want to trade supreme detachment for unconditional commitment, serenity for fevered desire!!! Desire that tears my heart apart!!!
...So I dub Thee Unforgiven...
6/16/2007 Firefly
Ausgetobt昨天又把自己送到Gerhard的针下，整整六小时的high quality pain，but the end result is worth every second of it.
三个多月了！
回想起来，第一次在tattooartists.org看到Petri的作品时，虽然惊艳，但实在是做梦也没想到我自己竟然会真的发疯到专程飞芬兰请他亲自给我纹的地步。哈哈哈，真的很为自己的疯狂自豪。
左肩上纹完East of the Sun后是一种感觉，右肩加上All is Vanity后是另一种感觉，现在的草原捕猎图把左边上臂几乎刺满，又是截然不同的一种感觉。对Petri和Gerhard两位大师是无尽的感激，至此，对纹身的痴迷正式告一段落。
这几个月来，纹身让我几乎天天魂萦梦系，折腾掉的钱就不提了，投入的时间和精力让我自己都觉得有点不可想象。
What, where and by whom, so many ideas clashing in my head, every single day!
庆幸，现在能暂时给这段激情画个句点儿，回到我的“正常”生活中去…… 6/11/2007 来日且扶头傍晚，懒洋洋地躺在阳台上，背向夕阳，随意读了会儿Iron Council。Really sick of not finishing it after THREE damn years, now it's about time.
天色慢慢暗下，风里带了凉意。
把书放到一旁，伸个懒腰，闭上眼，长吸一口气，远近的鸟语虫鸣尽收入耳。这种宁静自在，无为无不为的快意，曾让我多么地满足和自豪！
What happened to my oh-so-precious serenity?!
Sehnsucht! Sehnsucht die mir das Herz zerreißt...
...Far away, oh so close; just when you think you are about to touch it, it slips out of reach again...
It's the never-ending battle between the cold, calculating wiseman and the passionate stuborn wildboy, Logos versus Pathos, me against myself...
Oh I'm so fucking tired of it all
落日楼头断鸿声里 6/7/2007 太久了!太久没有真正地让自己完全沉浸到书的世界中去。How I missed the feeling of sinking my teeth deeply into a great book, gorging myself with its essence!!
今天一早就捧着一大摞书到阳台，在躺椅上开始我的“书旅”：
Richard Morgan - Black Man
Richard Morgan的这本新作刚出炉不到一周，我可是已苦等了近一年了。从Altered Carbon到Broken Angels，从Market Forces到Woken Furies，他笔下的人物可说一个个酷毙了。尽管场面有时暴力血腥得令我这个嗜血之徒都不由得心寒，但没有任何人能否认他作品内容的深刻和立意的新颖，也正是这点把他区别于更加"trashy"的作家们。
这本Black Man现在只看了个开头，already got me all exceited, expecting a true roller-coaster ride!
Hal Duncan - Vellum
和Black Man截然相反，这是本我不能也不舍看快的书。 每次拿起它都需要点勇气，每次放下它都庆幸自己鼓起了这点勇气
 简单地说，Vellum的概念大致相当于天堂与地狱，时间和空间，梦想和现实的总和吧。但Vellum中的时间是三维的，所以除了过去未来（前后）之外，还有平行宇宙（左右）和不同“层次”（上下）的存在如天堂地狱。
可以想像在Vellum的世界中穿梭行走是种什么感觉吗？！
Jeff Vandermeer - Shriek
去年拿到这本书时的欣喜，后来慢慢变成失望，所以曾一度将它抛到一边。但慢慢的，似乎越来越能接受那细腻繁复得近乎多余的描写，越来越习惯narrator那冰冷的口吻，Ambergris这座不可思议的城市就这么在脑海中一笔笔，一句句地慢慢成型……
Michael Moorcock - Dancers at the End of Time
“时间尽头的舞者”，多么浪漫诗意的名字！Just looking at the name, no one would suspect how "literal" it actually is! This is pure surreal Decadence at its very best, a grand study in human emotions, motivations and ethics!
虽然只看了几十页，我已经深深被书中那五彩斑斓光怪陆离的布景所吸引，但更令我心折的还是那些关于伦理道德的奇谈怪论。太多太多离经叛道甚至令人发指的理念，但不得不承认这也很让人耳目一新。
Jack Vance - The Dying Earth
这是我现在看的书中少有的“简单”的享受。古雅流畅的文字轻松地讲述一个个有趣的故事，不用我绞尽脑汁去read between the lines。Some nostalgic feelings...
China Mieville - Iron Council
这本书硬是看了我快三年还没看完，开始我还很有几分负罪感，因为China Mieville前两本惊世之作Perdido Street Station和The Scar都让我几乎废寝忘食地看完的。但时间长了，发现也不一定是我的问题，而是这本书情节实在发展太慢，每次我都得咬牙瞪眼才能进行几页。
With all that said, still a great book, and a good test of patience and will power, well well well...
5/19/2007 针下钻心的锥痛不容漠视，曾经写满耻辱的旗帜
成了此刻救命的挡箭牌。
终于恍然明白
我心底难于启齿的黑色欲望，我胸中时隐时现的无形枷锁，
源自狂怒，源自无奈。
无奈的狂怒与狂怒的无奈，同样的悲哀。
冰冷强大的理智不容狂怒不屑无奈，未等露头就将它们压制转化。
转化成我更无法解释，更容易面对，更罪恶狂野的冲动……
针下，心头的痛与肉身的痛正面交锋
针下，曼妙的痛唤醒真正的我
醒后痴痴的眼中，一个更大的空。
你不羁，你睥睨，你天马行空顾盼自雄。
To what avail?!
"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!"
 5/11/2007 明天明天飞埃及了。
订的是金字塔脚下的五星级酒店，网页上的照片豪华得让人叹为观止。但不知为什么，我心里没一点紧张兴奋，甚至没什么对未知的期盼。
大漠金沙落日孤烟，应该是无比evocative的景色，尤其对我这种兴之所至能浪漫得一塌糊涂的人来说，应该是充满吸引力的啊。
“但眼中那种漠然，也许是最好的答案”……
Whatever, make or break, it's always YOUR own decision.
Tread carefully. 5/8/2007 wasted time long pastA little melancholic indulgence, no reason, no justification
...
Is it all
just wasted time?
Can you look at yourself when you think of what you've left behind?
Is it all
just wasted time? Can you live with yourself when you think of what you've left behind?
The sun will rise again
The earth will turn to sand Creation´s colors seem to fade to grey And you´ll see the sickly hands of time Will write your final rhyme And end a memory
5/7/2007 命悬…………一发
四天Seminar的内容不可谓不充实，收获不可谓不大。今晚回家的路上兴高采烈地和Edi大侃两个小时，车快开到维也纳，我刚刚消停一会儿准备喘口气儿寻找新话题，车祸就电光石火地发生了。
Edi在超车时光注意看后面，直到我和Hannes对他大喊他才意识到前方车速的骤减。一百四十公里的时速已不允许他急刹车，于是他猛将方向盘左打，以赛车游戏的架势飞快换道。
但由于地湿路滑，车一下子失去了控制，在高速公路上划了条长长的弧线，转着圈撞上了右护栏。由于车速太快，还是没能停下来，又继续划着弧线绕回路上打了几个转，最终狠狠撞上左护栏。
车的头尾都撞得稀烂，但我们三个人竟奇迹般地毫发无损！
这条小命儿今天名副其实是“捡回来”的。
从车失控那一刻起到最终撞上护栏停住，大约不到十秒钟吧。比较令我遗憾的是，my whole life has NOT flashed before my mind's eye。心里没有惊慌没有恐惧，唯一的感觉只能用“unreal”来形容 － 梦幻般地飘忽……脑中似乎在用意念与现实作战，坚定地，斩钉截铁地拒绝相信这就是我的终结……
Death, never thought you are so close at hand
Life, almost let you elude my grasp
侥幸 4/30/2007 Bright Eyes
这几句歌词不知怎么在脑中萦回不去，想起十多年前看的MTV里Blind Guardian在滂沱雨中撕心裂肺的怒吼……Bright Eyes...
4/27/2007 点、滴Slowly,
listening to the sound,
of Life dripping,
silently, away.
"Life consumed by slow decay..."
Not the little boy waiting for the ship on the horizon, a heart filled with wonderous longings.
Not the young rebel outfacing the world, delighting and priding himself in his petty willfulness.
Not the "balanced" man living his self-sufficient life, want for nothing, craving none.
What then?
如此夜。
打开窗，一天晦暗，淡月疏星。
...
The fight went out of me, as did the melancholy, leaving a hole of weary emptiness.
There it goes, another sunny day of your leisureful life.
Embrace now the blissful oblivion, the desperate nepenthe. 4/23/2007 The Tiger
Love's Philosophy
4/16/2007 My Faeryland Forgotten......feels like drifting...
...on the river of time...
Stripped of real ambition, devoid of true emotion
Carried away by random temptation and willful obsession
Sehnsucht，这个词我在英文中找不到恰当的应对。Yearning, Longing, Desire... 虽然都八九不离十，但似乎都没能表达出那种既让我眼神朦胧又让我血液烧痛的滋味。
SEHNSUCHT!!!
一下子想起崔健的《象一把刀子》，想起"all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world"，想起Simon Logan，想起
...Mine is the grandeur of melancholy...Burning...
No words can grasp my starkest thoughts
No language known to man
Portrays my naked sentiment
谁共我，醉明月？
Narrow escape... by the skin of my teeth:D好险，好险！
因为上星期在这儿新添了个Luis Royo的Gallery，结果Space被Microsoft当成色情网站查封了
 一星期下来，好话说尽，终于这些人良心发现又把Space还給我了！
第一件事当然是删掉那些图，第二件事当然是把所有Data給backup一遍，这次险些全军覆没，吓着我了…… 4/1/2007 The Last IncantationThe Collected Fantasied of Clark Ashton Smith的第一册 － The End of the Story终于到了，可是让我苦等了两年多啊！拿在手里，有种unreal的感觉，似乎仍无法相信这是真的。
两年前，在这套五本的C.A.S.全集还只是一个concept的时候，我就已经兴冲冲地交了整套书的钱。本来在半年之内（05年）就该出版第一本，第五本要等到07年。但Night Shade Books出版社在这期间遇到种种困难，出版日期一拖再拖，直到今年初第一本才寄出，而我是刚刚才拿到手。
坐在Donauinsel的草坪边上，煦暖的阳光照着，四月的和风吹着，精神恍惚地享用了几个故事。看完The Last Incantation之后，心里真是咯噔一下子，as if the softest spot in my heart were squeezed by an icy hand, hard...
In the last few years I've read Clark Ashton Smith now and then, but mainly just to get drunk on the flamboyantly bejeweled prose and imagery, haven't cared much of his stories. Thus, I have already forgotten what a sharp and poignant story-teller he was!
I have forgotten the world-weary cynisism, the incosolable sadness of cosmic magnitude, the all-consuming ennui and its inevitable damnation...
Ruthlessly did these words tear through my heart... To the DaemonTo the Daemon
Clark Ashton Smith Tell me many tales, O benign maleficent daemon, but tell me none that I have ever heard or have even dreamt of otherwise than obscurely or infrequently. Nay, tell me not of anything that lies between the bourns of time or the limits of space: for I am a little weary of all recorded years and charted lands; and the isles that are westward of Cathay, and the sunset realms of Ind, are not remote enough to be made the abiding-place of my conceptions; and Atlantis is over-new for my thoughts to sojourn there, and Mu itself has gazed upon the sun in aeons that are too recent,
Tell me many tales, but let them be of things that are past the lore of legend and of which there are no myths in our world or any world adjoining. Tell me, if you will, of the years when the moon was young, with siren-rippled seas and mountains that were zoned with flowers from base to summit; tell me of the planets gray with eld, of the worlds whereon no mortal astronomer has ever looked, and whose mystic heavens and horizons have given pause to visionaries. Tell me of the vaster blossoms within whose cradling chalices a woman could sleep; of the seas of fire that beat on strands of ever-during ice; of perfumes that can give eternal slumber in a breath; of eyeless titans that dwell in Uranus, and beings that wander in the green light of the twin suns of azure and orange. Tell me tales of inconceivable fear and unimaginable love, in orbs whereto our sun is a nameless star, or unto which its rays have never reached. |
Labyrinth of Time...I was but I'm not, nor will I be with its pride...
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